Story: Holding On

i just wrote this on the five month anniversary of davie's death... cause its almost exactly what happened when dave died... and when billy died... i left so many goddamn messages... i miss them.

Note: Names are made up... incase you couldn't tell...

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Amber closed her eyes, breathing in deeply as she ran his finger along the rim of her coffee mug. She had lost all sense of time, having passed nearly three hours away, sitting near the window of a small café. On the table rested a newspaper, the headlines having gone unread, the pages still folded as they were when she bought it from the vendor outside. Slowly Amber’s eyes opened, her solemn stare fixed upon the window as she watched small beads of rain fall along the glass. The grey skies were now starting to darken giving way to the coming night. Amber curled her fingers around her cup, pulling it to her mouth, letting the warm liquid inside flow through her lips. The sweet aroma of vanilla flavoring lingered as he drew the cup away, holding it for a moment in her hands. Amber smiled. That was Scott’s favorite scent.

Amber stood to her feet, reaching into her pocket bringing out a handful of change. She placed an array of silver and copper down onto the counter, pushing her cup away before heading towards the door. She pulled it open gently, the tarnished bells hanging from their perch above, chiming as the door tapped against them. Amber made her way outside, closing her jacket together with her hands as she made her way across the street, quickly getting into her car. Amber shut the door and ran her fingers through her damp hair, looking into the review mirror. She then fumbled through her pockets, searching for her keys, finding them at last in the front pocket of her jeans. Her hands shook as she took them out, placing them into the ignition to start the car. She wasn’t accustomed to driving in LA; then again she wasn’t expecting to fly out on such short notice.

Steam rose from the street, warmed by the mid day sun while Amber made his way through the small back streets of the city. She was like Scott in the sense that she always liked to take the path less traveled. The little short cuts that led to the diners and coffee shops around the corner that offered home cooked meals surpassing any dinner bought at the finest five star restaurants. Amber took in a deep breath, putting the edge of her finger into her mouth as she gingerly chewed at her nail. She needed to take her mind off things. She reached out beside her, touching her hand to the mobile phone resting in the seat. Amber opened her phone and began dialing a number while she drove slowly, noticing a few familiar places along the street. It had been some time since she had been down this street. Then again, the last time she had been in LA, Scott was by her side.

The phone began to ring as Amber pressed it to her ear listening intently to each following ring as it came. After the fifth chime the line was picked up and Amber felt a tender smile fall over her lips as a voice answered on the other end.

‘Hello, this is Scott. I think you know what to do mate, so get on with it. Leave a message and I’ll call ya when I can!’

* beep *

“It’s me again. I just left Mattie’s diner. Some time has passed since we were last there. I had the most wonderful cup of coffee with that vanilla cream. I’m heading down to the beach here shortly. About another twenty minute drive. I’ll call again later.” Amber replied softly, her voice growing quiet as she drew the phone away from her ear. She folded it in her hand and placed it back onto the seat, her eyes growing wet with tears as she continued on her way.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Amber walked along the beachfront passing by the few last surfers coming in after catching that one remaining wave before darkness fell. The rain was now nothing more than a faint drizzle, lightly dampening her hair as she continued on, the sand rustling beneath her weary feet. The sun was setting beneath the grey clouds, casting a faint shimmer of orange and reds over the sea. Amber stopped for a moment, her eyes searching along the shore. Here is where all meaning of time seemed to be lost. A place where one could come to listen to the rhythm of the tides pull to and fro, while sea birds circled overhead. Amber turned away, putting her hands into her pockets while she walked back to her car. Never in her entire life had she felt so alone.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Amber drove off, her hand reaching for her phone once more. She dialed, pressing her finger lightly across the keypad. She put the phone to her ear, listening as it rang softly before the line was picked up.

‘Hello, this is Scott. I think you know what to do mate, so get on with it. Leave a message and I’ll call ya when I can!’

* beep *

“Amber again Scotts. I think I was half expecting to find you at the beach. Then again, I think I was hoping to find you back at the diner as well. It is just now starting to get dark. It’s been two days now. Two days Scotty.” Amber whispered quietly. “I gotta go. I’ll call back later I suppose.”

* beep *

“Almost an hour has passed Scott and I’ve found myself driving not knowing where to go. You ever have that happen? You leave with a mindset but get lost along the way. That’s me, today anyways. I just tried to call Lij too. Seems he is away as well. Isn’t it funny how no one seems to be around when you need them the most?”

Amber looked down to her watch. Her eyes were growing heavy with the desire for long missed sleep. About thirty minutes had passed by since she last called Scott. She sighed, turning down a dimly lit street while picking up her phone once again.

* beep *

“Somehow I just knew you wouldn’t be on the other end.” Amber began, driving slowly down the road. “Honestly, I can say the only reason I’ve been calling is so I can hear your voice on the machine Scott.” Amber then grew silent, her eyes searching along the row of houses.

“I don’t think you understand what this is doing to me.” Amber whispered, finally catching sight of Scott’s house. It was dark. Not a single light shining inside. Scott’s car was parked out front, one tire on the right side resting up over the curb. Scott was never good at parking. Amber pulled along side the road, putting her car in front of Scott’s, setting it into park.

“If I keep calling enough, I tell myself that maybe you’ll answer. Foolish dream I know. I want to come inside Scott. I want to hold you and fall asleep in your arms. What I wouldn’t give just to be able to open that door.”

* beep *

“Scott. Amber. I’ve been sitting out here for two hours.”

* beep *

“I need some sleep Scott, but I can not seem to force myself to leave. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ll be right here for the night.”

Amber opened her eyes, looking up to the sky now littered with stars. She glanced down at her wrist, noting the time on her watch. It was almost 3am. Six hours had passed since she last dialed Scott’s number. She sat up, reaching down to the floor, picking up her cell, dialing it one last time.

* beep *

“I just can’t let go Scott. I can’t. But you know, deep inside, no matter how many times I call you I know you will never answer this phone. All I wanted was to hear your voice but now I can’t even seem to let your machine take a rest.” Amber grew silent, pulling the phone away from her ear as a pair of headlights made their way down the road. The car passed and Amber nestled herself back down into her seat, leaning it back closing her eyes tightly, pressing tears beyond her lashes.

“I’ve almost forgot what it’s like to sleep, losing so much of it over you these past few days. The morning will come soon and Lij will be here. Yeah. I was finally able to get through.” Amber reached her hand to her mouth, trying in desperation to hold back the sorrow she truly wanted to release within.

“Scottie, this is the last call I’m going to make.” Amber replied softly. “Your funeral is tomorrow you know. Damn it all to bloody hell. This wouldn’t be so hard if I could have only said goodbye.”