Story: You Wanted An Angel
You wanted an angel. It’s all right; I understand now, that sneer upon your face whenever I’m not looking. I’ve felt enough pain to handle this extra blow to the heart, but I can see what you want and need. You know she’s better for you, so don’t let me lie in your arms any longer, because if you do then I don’t think I’ll be able to drag myself out. I’m already immersed enough inside of you as it is, so pluck me out and throw me away. I’ll understand if you do it now and do it fast. Don’t be gentle like you’ve pretended to be for so long. You’ve been fumbling with my imperfection for forever, but it’s time to twist me a million ways, scatter me across the planet or toss me into the sky, a new little landscape of falling stars and broken wings.
If you’re not going to let me in or give me a chance, at least let me leave. You don’t want me here; trust me, I’ve seen the way you look at her. I’m excess baggage again, because you won’t be the first who’s learned who I am and discarded me. This is the last time I’m going to come to you again, crying, laughing or just smiling at your face. I’m hurting you too much, and just because I’ve lacked the life that she has, I think I should go. I’ve got my own hell built inside of me, so you don’t have to worry about me being cold or without a home. I’ll shrivel up within myself, collapsing into the dimension that I belong in. I knew from the beginning that my destination wasn’t here.
I took the time to pack my bags, because if I leave you I’m going to have to leave it all. I can’t stay here or I’m always going to worry about seeing your face amongst the crowd. I’ll worry about walking past the park where we held hands and you kissed me under the shade of the tree. I can’t forget your soft hands and warmth when in contrast to the rigid bark that had pressed up against my back.
Here I was, thinking you loved me, but now all I can see is that you’re only trying to. You’ve realized that those wings you once imagined me to have aren’t really sprouting out of my back. Maybe I was an angel before, but any belief of that has been diminished by her face. Her ginger-colored skin, her cattish green eyes that dazzle even in the darkness. You’ve seen her in the dark haven’t you? She gives off her own little aura. I’ll let you step into her light, only because I know that I’ll never step into yours again, nor will you in mine.
I’m trying not to be difficult, so when you read this, please don’t pretend to want me back or even to cry. Maybe you loved me at one point in time, but I’m beginning to believe that the one time that you loved me was when you didn’t even know me. Yes, I’ve made mistakes; yes, I may never stop. But you made mistakes too. You held me, now didn’t you? It’s okay. I’ll forgive you, so long as you never do it again.
I think I’m crying now; I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I thought I’d be able to get through this before that started up. I guess I’ve just realized how much I love you, just because I can let you go like this. I want you to be happy; I want you to fly again. I’m sorry I pinned you down for so long. I know I don’t live the way you do, I don’t cherish the same values you do. The only thing I’ve ever cherished was you.
I can’t help the fact that I’ve screwed up in my past, fucked the wrong people and drank the wrong alcohol. I’m sorry that I can’t make my life as perfect as hell, just to make you happy, just to make you smile. Nobody’s perfect, even she isn’t, and one day you’re going to see that. Maybe she’s not as messed up as me. Maybe she doesn’t shake when she cries, or faint when she’s angry. By wanting her you’ve picked me apart and thrown my flaws into my face. But thank you anyway. At least while we were together you would have never admitted that I even had any.
So, I guess this is goodbye now. I’m not going to tell you what to do or how to make her happy. I’m sure that you just will, because you didn’t have too much trouble in making me smile. I’m smiling right now, or at least trying to. I’m probably gone far away from here by now, as you read these simple words. I hope you’re not mad, because I’m only trying to make you happy. I think I’ve said too much now, I think I’ll leave you with this. I forgive you because you’re so perfect. You wanted an angel. I guess you never realized that so did I.
If you’re not going to let me in or give me a chance, at least let me leave. You don’t want me here; trust me, I’ve seen the way you look at her. I’m excess baggage again, because you won’t be the first who’s learned who I am and discarded me. This is the last time I’m going to come to you again, crying, laughing or just smiling at your face. I’m hurting you too much, and just because I’ve lacked the life that she has, I think I should go. I’ve got my own hell built inside of me, so you don’t have to worry about me being cold or without a home. I’ll shrivel up within myself, collapsing into the dimension that I belong in. I knew from the beginning that my destination wasn’t here.
I took the time to pack my bags, because if I leave you I’m going to have to leave it all. I can’t stay here or I’m always going to worry about seeing your face amongst the crowd. I’ll worry about walking past the park where we held hands and you kissed me under the shade of the tree. I can’t forget your soft hands and warmth when in contrast to the rigid bark that had pressed up against my back.
Here I was, thinking you loved me, but now all I can see is that you’re only trying to. You’ve realized that those wings you once imagined me to have aren’t really sprouting out of my back. Maybe I was an angel before, but any belief of that has been diminished by her face. Her ginger-colored skin, her cattish green eyes that dazzle even in the darkness. You’ve seen her in the dark haven’t you? She gives off her own little aura. I’ll let you step into her light, only because I know that I’ll never step into yours again, nor will you in mine.
I’m trying not to be difficult, so when you read this, please don’t pretend to want me back or even to cry. Maybe you loved me at one point in time, but I’m beginning to believe that the one time that you loved me was when you didn’t even know me. Yes, I’ve made mistakes; yes, I may never stop. But you made mistakes too. You held me, now didn’t you? It’s okay. I’ll forgive you, so long as you never do it again.
I think I’m crying now; I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I thought I’d be able to get through this before that started up. I guess I’ve just realized how much I love you, just because I can let you go like this. I want you to be happy; I want you to fly again. I’m sorry I pinned you down for so long. I know I don’t live the way you do, I don’t cherish the same values you do. The only thing I’ve ever cherished was you.
I can’t help the fact that I’ve screwed up in my past, fucked the wrong people and drank the wrong alcohol. I’m sorry that I can’t make my life as perfect as hell, just to make you happy, just to make you smile. Nobody’s perfect, even she isn’t, and one day you’re going to see that. Maybe she’s not as messed up as me. Maybe she doesn’t shake when she cries, or faint when she’s angry. By wanting her you’ve picked me apart and thrown my flaws into my face. But thank you anyway. At least while we were together you would have never admitted that I even had any.
So, I guess this is goodbye now. I’m not going to tell you what to do or how to make her happy. I’m sure that you just will, because you didn’t have too much trouble in making me smile. I’m smiling right now, or at least trying to. I’m probably gone far away from here by now, as you read these simple words. I hope you’re not mad, because I’m only trying to make you happy. I think I’ve said too much now, I think I’ll leave you with this. I forgive you because you’re so perfect. You wanted an angel. I guess you never realized that so did I.
posted by ~Allie~ @ 5:49 PM
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